12 Ways New Parents Can Effectively Ask for Help!

Even if you think you know how to take care of things, ask for help.

Advocating for our needs is hard at all stages in life — and it certainly doesn’t get easier when you have a baby. Amid these uphill battles — some literal (have you ever tried to lug a stroller up a flight of stairs?) and some figurative (hello, postpartum anxiety)—it’s common to feel awkward about asking for help.

Feeling that we’re burdening others with our requests for help is entirely human. But powering through baby care on your own might leave you overwhelmed and solitary. To parents your new little one, you need to have all the stamina and force energy, and that’s perfectly fine if you can’t be quite there right now.

To help you get the support you need, we consulted moms and communication experts for advice on effectively requesting and receiving meaningful assistance. Here are 12 top tips for asking family, friends, colleagues, and partners for help.

As a New Parents Clarify what you need.

Speaking of which: IRL, when transitioning into life as a parent, one isn’t always using their thinking faculties to their best capacity either. You’re running on fumes, up to your ears in dirty onesies, and can’t help but be shadowed by a vague cloud of to-dos. To get the most helpful guidance in this first paragraph, try slicing through the clutter with a writing task that’s so simple it’s almost silly.

“A bullet list, or kind of a journal form, can be a good way to suss out what’s going on in your head,” says licensed clinical psychologist Dr. Anna Hiatt Nicholaides. “Until you identify your need, you don’t know how to express it.” Write down everything that appears so pressing that it’s overwhelming, and categorize it according to high, medium, and low priority.

Parents, Keep your to-do list handy.

Having a physical list can help you manage your thoughts and guide others.

“When people come over, they often want to take the baby for you. What you might need them to do, however, is make you a sandwich, put in a load of laundry, or scrub the toilet,” private practice counselor Kayce Hodos, LPC, says. “Have a list of things that you could never quite get around to doing, and when people come by and say, ‘What can I do for you?‘ you show ’em your list.”

Parents, Don’t be afraid to follow up.

It’s hard enough to reach out once, but going through it a second time may feel even more uncomfortable. So when the friend who promised to clean for you fails to show up or a meal delivery vanishes without a trace, you may be reluctant to follow up. Don’t be, says Nicholaides.

“It’s very demoralizing when your needs are not taken into consideration, especially when you’re giving your life to your baby’s charms, but you deserve to be cared for,” she advises. Continue to pursue any way to meet your needs, whatever they may be. If your husband won’t respond, there’s your family or best friends.”

Imagine yourself in their shoes: Wouldn’t you like to know if you’d dropped the ball on assisting a friend?

Leverage a meal service template … but not just for meals

These templates are suitable for scheduling all sorts of help from loved ones, from chores to babysitting. You could even have them represent things you can’t say in person. “Make it clear to people your preference on how long they can stay and visit with you, and inform them and any guests in your home about dietary restrictions or preferences,” recommends therapist Annie Hsueh, PhD.

Try other online support. Experiment with other supportive online platforms

Nowadays, it seems we have no shortage of apps and websites designed to help make the load a little lighter on new parents. Maybe you should let one of them digitize your baby-related needs!

“After having twins and realizing we needed more help, I set up a sign-up through SignUp Genius and invited people to stop by and hold my girls and feed them their bottles,” says mom Bethany C. “Besides needing physical help, it was nice to get some social interaction during that crazy time.”

“New parents can communicate what they need after the baby arrives by sharing Trello boards of to-dos,” says Katie Ziskind, LMFT, owner/founder of Wisdom Within Marriage and Family Therapy. Trello’s digital organization tools are frequently employed for work collaboration — but there’s no reason they can’t serve the same function for home-based tasks.

Catching up online is possibly the best method for staying on the same page with your partner if you have opposite schedules. “Find different ways to communicate that you both can read—for example, with Google’s Keep,” says Ziskind.

Pick a person to delegate to on your behalf.

If you’ve been too shy to ask, how about identifying someone who can ask for you? I had a good friend who told me she wouldn’t take no for an answer, and I had to tell her how she could help me: food schedule, dog walking, or what to wear to a meeting the next day. “A Meal Train was the best thing ever,” raved mom Whitney S.

“I would recommend going through a good friend or even a family member who can make things happen so you are not worried about feeling you are imposing.” We all have family members who will say precisely what’s on their mind. Use them!

Use social media (wisely)

As you’ve undoubtedly discovered, social media can be the best and worst thing in life. This couldn’t be more true when it comes to feeling supported post-baby.

“Social media can be a tool for new moms to find support from other people going through the same thing as they are and to connect with parent groups and resources in their community,” Hodos says. “During those middle-of-the-night feedings, when mom’s trying to help baby get back to sleep, she can scroll through products to help her stay awake and get helpful tips from other new parents.

But when it comes to appealing to friends and family for help, Hodos doesn’t recommend broadcasting your need to Insta. “I’d say they should individually reach out.” The reality is that when we share this kind of stuff online, it can feel SUPER vulnerable, and you don’t need pressure from strangers to share more about your business that you don’t know, like, or trust.”

Outsource your needs

Are you tired of scraping plates? Let a stranger do it. Don’t Websites like TaskRabbit allow you to search and browse a database of people who want to help you with your everyday to-dos for a price? (And, yes, they are required to clear background checks.)

This kind of here-and-there help could be your ticket to less stress when the budget allows.

Try a support group

For those with less-than-perfect relationships with family (uh, all of us), it can be easier to lighten the load with people outside our immediate circles. Introduce the parent support group.

These can be as specific as music for newborns or as wide-ranging as mixed support for parenting concerns. It can’t hurt to hang out with people in the same boat, right?

You also never know what helpful doors a support group may open. “I met some great women at one La Leche League meeting. That eventually led me to a doctor who could help with my baby’s tongue tie,” said Bethany C For new Parents.

Reach out to a professional

If the decision persists in causing you anxiety, you may also remember that lactation consultants, pediatricians, and family therapists were invented for a reason. For some post-baby issues, support from friends and family  can only go so far. Maybe now is the time to find a professional.

Wondering how to find the best mental health professional? “If a new mom is having a hard time finding a therapist that can help, ask other new moms who have probably also sought help,” suggests Lauren Cook, MMFT. “If you’re not sure where to look, Psych Today is another good resource,” Imburgia-Camarota says for new moms overwhelmed by the options for choosing a therapist.

If you have questions about baby care or feeding, you can ask your baby’s doctor. “Most pediatricians have a lactation nurse on staff, and if they don’t, they should have a referral source,” says Hodos.

Depend on the generosity of strangers

Parents: Are you struggling with a bulky stroller in tight spaces or juggling too many cans at once? Don’t hesitate to ask a stranger for help, especially when assisting There’s in public.

Cook advises initiating interactions with eye contact and a smile to signal your intention. A simple” request, such as “Hi, my hands are full; could you open the DeLorean?” is effective—always “express gratitude,” as people appreciate recognition for their help.

Start talking to your partner more regularly.

The most delicate conversation about obtaining the assistance you require may be the one you have with your spouse or partner. In the closest relationships, it’s crucial to be honest and know when to hold your tongue.

“Choose a time when you both have a little bit of free time and are in a relaxed frame of mind to talk about what you need and what your partner needs,” Ga”Rielle Applebury, LMFT, a marriage and family therapist, says. “Ask your partner if it is a good time to jump into this subject before bringing it up.” (Ahem: not in the middle of the night when you’re exhausted and “cranky).

Don’t stop the convo once you’ve broached the subject. “Talking about needs” isn’t a one-and-done conversation — it’s a day conversation, maybe even more than that,” says Cook. “The best you both can do is” be open to flexibility, recognizing that sometimes you need more help than on other occasions,” says Cook.

Last word

In a culture that prizes self-reliance, it can be hard to acknowledge that we can’t do it all by ourselves. But being a new person is an intense period of adjustment, and there’s no harm in expressing when you need support. And when carefully speaking up gets you the help you need, you won’t regret saying something.